the one where it's valentine's day

it's valentine's day. i have never particularly cared for valentine's day. not because i hate the world or i hate couples or anything like that. i just hate the long waits at restaurants (when i worked at houston's we would run a 3 hour wait on v-day. ridiculous. who WERE those people?!) and i hate that it's categorized as a holiday that women care about so much. my best valentine's day was when the ex and i went to the circus. it was so fun. regardless, it's a big holiday and today two unsettling things happened that forced me to think about valentine's day.

first, the ex sent me a text this afternoon. yes, not earth shattering news, i know. but let me back up. the ex told me not quite a month ago, that his wife was freaking out about us being facebook friends. he would have to defriend me and he might even delete his fb account. keep in mind, that i NEVER write on his call, comment on things he says/posts/etc. we have NO fb contact at all. i am just listed on his friends list. well, i was, at least. after he told me that she was pissed, he defriended me. he also informed me he was pissed about the whole thing and thanks for being understanding, blah blah blah. cut to about 1:45 pm. he sends me a text message wishing me a happy valentine's day. are you freakin' serious dude? it's valentine's day. you are married with twins on the way. the LAST thing i want is to hear from you. sigh.

THEN, the banker calls me. i was so shocked i literally just stared at the phone. he didn't leave a message so i have no idea what he wanted. but i don't understand why all these exes feel the need to text/call on freaking valentine's day. just let me be.

the one...just not the one for me

the Ex is getting married today. i don't really know what to say about it or how to describe exactly how i feel. the Ex and i have been over for quite awhile. but for a long time (about 4.5 years) i thought that the Ex was THE ONE. and even after it was over, i must admit that the thought of us eventually getting back together has always been way way in the back of my head.

i'm not sure if i've spoken about what has transpired between the Ex and i in the past few months, and to be honest i don't really feel like getting into it. suffice to say that i told him that i thought it was inappropriate for us to keep hanging out and him not tell his fiance. i told him he had to handle this situation one way or the other. i took his resounding silence as a sign that he had decided to handle it -- by cutting me out of his life. just as i was dealing with that, he sent me a text message, inquiring about my life, my parents, etc. i never responded. i just couldn't. but i hate it. i just hate the way things are between the Ex and i these days. i hate, hate, HATE not having him in my life at all. not responding to his text message was difficult. but i felt like we were sneaking around (even though it was always innocent) and it wasn't right. until he addresses my concerns, i just can't deal with him.

but i hate it. and now he's getting married and i've known this day was coming for a long long time but i am still not prepared. would i ever be? would you? and then i'm torn and wondering if i should send him a card? a gift? a text message? what is the appropriate thing to do when THE EX is getting married to a woman who hates you (even though you've never met)?? i just don't know.

i know that part of the reason i'm so sad is that the Ex marrying someone else represents the end of a period of time for me. i am smart enough to realize that a lot of this is me just mourning the past. i know that. but some of this is just me being plain sad. it is sad to think of someone who you loved so much -- someone who you are no longer in love with but you do still love -- walking down an aisle and saying timeless vows to another woman. i wonder if i would feel better if i was 100% certain that he is happy with her. maybe, maybe not. is he happy with her? he never sounds like it when we talk. but maybe he's doing that bc he thinks it would hurt me to imagine him happy with another woman. who knows? so many questions. i'm just going to do my best to get through today.

the one where i wish i could say something...

the ex is getting married in august. i've known this for over a year and when i first heard he was engaged, i was honestly thrilled for him. okay, maybe thrilled is a bit strong, but i was genuinely happy for him. well, that was back in 2008. now it's 2 months before the wedding and i don't like it. for many reasons:

1. i do not think he is ready to marry this woman. i saw the ex when i was in atlanta for my college reunion and he did not appear in the least like a man who was excited to be getting married in a few months. he told BFF and i how he and his fiance haven't had relations in forever. i mean, really?! first, the fact that he told us is a big sign. why on earth would you share that information with your ex girlfriend and her best friend?? second, why the heck aren't they behaving like rabbits?? from what i've heard, the sex is supposed to go AFTER you are married, not before. i know from experience with the ex that no loving = NOT a happy relationship.
2. going along with number 1, the ex sent a few inappropriate texts that weekend while i was in atlanta. nothing crazy, just things that i know his fiance would not appreciate. 
3. of course, an obvious reason i don't like it is just because. the ex and i went through hell and back together and though i know its over and have moved on, it is incredibly strange that he is marrying someone else.

the other piece of this puzzle is that the ex's fiance absolutely hates me and everything i stand for. we've never met but she despises me. and i get that. however, it means that when the ex and i meet up for lunch or whatnot, he's sneaking around to do it. after what happened in atlanta, i decided that i was not comfortable with that anymore. i kind of figured it would just taper off, because let's be honest, i'm not in atlanta THAT much anymore and he's rarely up in dc. but of course, because this is my life, i received an email from him a few days back stating that he'll be in MD in june and would like to see me. he then said that he wasn't sure if it was possible and he'd have to see if he could "sneak out".  i wrote back that i would love to see him but questioned why he had to sneak out and if we would have to be friends "on the down low" for the rest of eternity. he hasn't responded yet. i'm not surprised.

the thing is, the ex is a good man. he's not a cheater, a bad person, or a sneaky guy. that's part of why his behavior is so troublesome. i don't like it and i think its indicative of some deep rooted trust issues in his relationship. of course, his current behavior makes that not a shocking observation. 

the one where i am so conflicted

this past weekend, i was in atlanta attending the agnes reunion. it was wonderful. i still am exhausted. between all the drinking, dancing (saturday night we went to opera - and it was awesome! the dj loved michael jackson and really a club can't get better than that in my mind),  food poisoning (oh yeah. it was gross) and admiring the campus, it was a really busy weekend. 

but that's not what's on my mind right now. i saw the ex this weekend, albeit briefly. it was just strange. i haven't had enough time to process my thoughts on the whole thing but i have definitely been thinking about it nonstop. i just don't think he is ready to marry this woman in august and that makes me sad. i also feel conflicted because i would be happy if he didn't marry this woman. of course i would never say any of this to him. i think i am just confused because when i was with him, i still felt things. and then he said things to me which were kind of not the kinds of things a happily engaged man should say to any woman, particularly his ex. so, i apparently still have these feelings and it's pointless and ridiculous and sad because he's freaking engaged! i also kind of think that my feelings are magnified because i'm not currently dating anyone. of course, i will always care about him. and probably always have feelings. it just makes me feel a little bummed that he's probably going to marry someone and he's not ready. 

i guess too, as his wedding date gets closer, it's becoming real to me. when he first got engaged (about a year ago) it was very abstract. but now, it's really happening. and, i'll be honest, it's kind of shitty when the man you had your best relationship with to date is about to getting married and you...aren't. and you know, i don't regret breaking up w/him all those years ago bc i was 21 and wasn't ready. but in moments like these, i just wonder. i think i always thought that the ex would be around when/if i was ready. i guess i took that for granted. but the other hard part is that i know (he has told me) that he still feelings as well. the worse part is i don't even know what i want. all i know is i don't want him to get married. 

i think that's all i have to say about this right now.

the one about "unconditional"

when i was 12 or 13, i met this guy. we'll call him TS. TS and i became fast friends and eventually it grew to something more. i don't exactly know how to describe it. we were best friends and romantic interest was there, but not there. does that make any sense? by the time i was 15, i was certain that i was in love, although we were never in a relationship and always dated other people. he was my best friend but so much more. and he was awful for me. anyone who knew me way back then (MJ, LH, etc) can tell you that. he was a "bad boy" and to put it lightly, was definitely bad for me. the thing is, during that time, i thought that i was doing the right thing by keeping him in my life. 

you see, i believed in "unconditional" love. i thought that loving him unconditionally meant that i was bound and beholden to love him no matter what. and by loving him no matter what, that meant that i couldn't walk out on him. i couldn't cut him out of my life. because if loving someone through horrific shit isn't unconditional love, then what is? 

like i said, we met when i was 12. i went to college, and fell in love with the Ex. i was completely honest with the Ex and he actually helped me through some of the worst stuff with TS.unfortunately, but not surprisingly, during this time, the Ex developed an extreme hatred for TS. shocker. but i persisted in keeping in touch with TS. not even just keeping in touch. i insisted that i should stay friends with TS because i was supposed to love him "unconditionally". yeah, the Ex didn't buy that bullshit either. TS was a MAJOR strain on our relationship. it all came to end one thanksgiving when, while driving 10 hours to my parent's house, the Ex gave me an ultimatum (well, he screamed an ultimatum - he was a wee bit pissed). he told me i either cut TS completely out of my life or he was done. of course, i did what anyone does when their back is up against the wall. i told him i'd cut TS out...but i didn't. of course, i couldn't. i was a believer in "unconditional" love. in the end, the Ex and i broke up (obviously) and i still maintained a distant friendship with TS. 

finally, well over a decade later, i realized that "unconditional" love might just be bullshit. or, at the very least, it was in the case of TS and i. i sickened of his shit, realized that he was the same exact person he was when i was 12, and (thank goodness) i had grown and changed in so many ways. i cut him out, even though i still care about him. i know i will never stop, but i also know what's best for me - and he ain't it.

so, what now, do i think about "unconditional" love? i think that i will love the man meant for me unconditionally, but i also don't know that i think love is enough. i know myself well enough to know that i fall easy, i get excited about people and things easily and its often tough for me to get the proper amount of perspective. i think that one of the good things about the Banker was i really felt like i was my best self with him. i truly felt like i learned from the loser i had previously dated and from the Ex and took those lessons and applied it to my relationship with the Banker. which gives me hope :)

the one where i am playing with fire

oh goodness. i haven't spent much time talking about the Ex. some of you know him and were around when we were dating (college and then some). the Ex and i dated from november of my first year of college until spring of my senior year. we officially broke up but then continued to travel together, speak daily, etc until august of 2006. that was when we REALLY stopped acting like we were in a relationship. the Ex had met someone new and was going to give it a go with her. as for me, i was in my 3L year at UVA and ready to party! so we toned things way back and proceeded to just be friends. of course, like anything else, there have been complications along the way. the Ex and i were extremely close when we dated. we spent lots of time with each others families and i loved his family, he loved mine and our respective families loved each other (which, if you know my dad says a LOT). the Ex was in a very bad car accident the summer of 2003 and afterwards, i essentially moved into his apartment for a month while he recovered. it was a big deal for me at the time to tell my father that i was moving in with my boyfriend. but what was amazing was that my dad didn't say a word. in fact, after the Ex and i broke up and he moved back to california, my dad actually called him and offered to buy him a plane ticket to fly to atlanta for my college graduation. i am still amazed by how much my dad liked the Ex. not because the Ex wasn't a great man, but because my dad is TOUGH! 

anyway, after the Ex and i were finally really truly done, it was complicated still. there were still all these feelings but each of us moved on to other people. i finished law school, moved to alabama, dated some loser for awhile and then the Banker. the Ex moved back to atlanta, continued dating that same girl and eventually asked her to marry him. i thought it was going to be crazy difficult to hear that the Ex was engaged, but it was okay. of course, i think i'll feel much differently when he actually gets married (august) but for now i'm okay.

but here's the thing. the Ex and i both want to maintain a friendship. so although we don't talk on the phone, we email and text regularly. we had lunch once this past summer when i was in atlanta and it was nice. he didn't tell his fiance, which i thought was weird, but hey, not my place. then the weekend of the SEC championship i was in atlanta to celebrate the game (ugh, even though the game didn't turn out like i wanted...still ROLL TIDE!) and told him i was in town. he drove across town to meet me at the bar where i was watching the game, and  when he finally got there he asked about the Banker. i told him that the Banker and i weren't dating anymore and he instantly became uncomfortable and said that he couldn't stay because i was drunk (may or may not have been true) and i was single. so that was a bit weird, but again, he's engaged, i am single...i understand that he needs to do what he needs to do. 

so anyway, since then we've been texting some and emailing more. in fact, over the past week or so, we've been emailing quite a bit. most of it is pretty innocuous normal stuff. but occasionally, there will be a flirtatious line here or there. and i know that he doesn't tell his fiance that we still communicate and i'm just starting to feel like this is dangerous ground. even though everything has been above board, i just have a feeling...

i can't explain it, but i feel like something is happening. i know that doesn't make any sense, but its how i feel. 

in other possibly poor decisions, the Banker and i are having dinner this evening. i know for a fact that this dinner is playing with fire. if he says the wrong thing, i have no doubt that i will tell him every single negative thing i think about him. and i really don't want to do that. i want to have a nice, reasonably calm dinner and then be done. goodness. i have got to get it together.

but rest assured about one thing -- i will look amazing this evening. the Banker will be suffering :)