the one about time and space

it is approaching october which means many different things for me. it means my birthday (yay!), fall, halloween and this year it means a year since the Banker and i broke up. and it's been an eventful year. in terms of the Banker and i, there have been many ups and downs. i struggled to maintain a friendship with him and then cut him off when i realized that maintaining a friendship with him didn't seem possible. and now, of course, he's back. not completely back, but he has contacted me and expressed in an interest in rebuilding our friendship.

at first i was taken aback by his message. i have so many conflicting emotions regarding the Banker. i truly fell in love with him and i was pretty upset after it didn't work out. i was more upset when i felt like i had been lied to after we broke up. i felt that his behavior after our break up was reprehensible. honestly, my feelings were hurt. and i felt (and still feel) that if we were going to be friends, he'd have to truly make amends and acknowledge (at a minimum) what he did was wrong.

so i don't know what's going to happen. obviously, a good deal of time has passed and we now have this physical buffer between us. i just don't want to get sucked back in and then feel like an idiot for giving him a chance to be involved in my life again. i know that some of my friends (i'm looking at you, AHS) don't understand why i even care or why i'm even giving the Banker the time of day. and to them all i can say is that i love hard. and i give second (and third and fourth) chances. but i do learn from them. i'm not saying i'm going to go hop on a plane and visit the Banker. but the things about him that i loved are still there and if we can find a way to navigate through our past and the hurt feelings and the confusion and develop a friendship, i think i'd really enjoy that.

the one about my love for school

if you know anything about me you know that i have an incredible amount of love for the previous two educational institutions i attended. i will forever love and support agnes scott and i will always treasure my time at uva law. when i began my ll.m. at au washington college of law i told myself that i wasn't going to let this new school creep into my heart and pocketbook. i already in very involved with my two alma maters and really don't have the time or energy to love another educational institution. and i still maintain that stance. i am not involved in the wcl community like i was involved during either law school or college. however, i am really starting to appreciate the level of professor involvement and interest at wcl. to begin with, every class i'm taking has 15 or less students in it. now, i took small classes at uva also. i think the difference is that now i'm so much more focused on my schoolwork that i'm truly taking an interest in the material and i think my professors appreciate it. i've had such wonderful experiences thus far, and it's only been a few weeks.

i have to say, wcl, you may not ever be my beloved agnes or uva law...but you are earning my respect.

the one about second, third and fourth chances

as predicted by Agnes, the Banker texted me yesterday. nothing serious, just a very short "i guess we are no longer friends? i had hoped we could build a friendship. football season made me think about you, i hope you are well." i was taken by surprise bc i haven't heard from the Banker probably since june and i haven't actually responded to any of his messages, phone calls, etc since feb. for a second, i wanted to write him back. especially bc i've been thinking about him since football season began as well. the Banker really is the person who helped to create my passion for alabama football (roll tide!) and i am grateful for that. i've missed his commentary on games and the obsessive way he watches every single television program that even mentions nick saban's name. but...i decided to cut him out of my life for a reason. it wasn't a decision i made lightly and it's not a decision that he can cause me to completely reevaluate just because its football season and he misses me.

so, i don't think i'm going to respond. at least not yet. what i may do is write him a letter explaining why i have no desire to be friends with him. but i know that doing that will just drag on this discussion of "why can't we be friends?" unless and until the Banker owns up to some of the shitty stuff he did, i will not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. i simply don't trust and i think he is way too selfish to understand that. anyway, i'm going to mull it over for a couple of days and then see how i feel.

the one about PDA

so, i apparently am on the same class schedule with this couple at school. it's clear that they are a couple because they hold hands every second they are together. they hold hands while walking through crowded halls. they hold hands while on a crowded elevator. they hold hands walking down a narrow staircase (seriously, i'm not making this up). they even hold hands while studying together in the library. it grosses me out. and not because hand holding is gross. i like to hold hands and don't think anything of holding hands with my good friends (as AHS can attest to, since i tried to make him hold my hand for the whole walk to the metro last week). but it's gross to be THAT dependent on someone else that you can't let their hand go for a second. seriously, a few days ago when i saw the hand holding while they were studying together, i am pretty certain i gave them my crazy face. i usually try and reserve crazy face for something really truly odd. or for random men on the train/street/bus, but i couldn't help it.

what's the craziest PDA you've seen?

ps - i realize i've taken to asking questions at the end of my posts. it's probably just a phase. i also am writing shorter posts bc it takes so much time to write longer pieces and i would really like to get more posts up. just like coach says at boot camp: "it's about quantity. pump em out!"

the one about music

i am slightly obsessed with music. there is something about songs that can just take me to a different place. sometimes its the melody, sometimes its a particular chord, sometimes its the lyrics and sometimes its the combination but the best songs (and sometimes the worst) just transport me to a particular memory, a person or an experience.

i also do this weird thing where when i hear really great lyrics, i envision a movie playing out in the background. i can't tell you how many 5 minute movie scenes i've come up with in my head based on a sentence or two in a song. does anyone else do this?? or is it just me?

the one where i borrow someone words

i plan to write more on this later (or maybe not, i am a student now, ya know!) but i thought that this post encapsulates a lot of my feelings on catcalls.

and to be fair bc i'm pretty sure someone will mention this, i have said that the day i walk down the street and people act like i'm not there will be a sad day. but i DO NOT like "baby girl", "shorty", "eh ma", etc. a simple hello or a "you look nice today" is appreciated. starring straight at my boobs is not.

the one...just not the one for me

the Ex is getting married today. i don't really know what to say about it or how to describe exactly how i feel. the Ex and i have been over for quite awhile. but for a long time (about 4.5 years) i thought that the Ex was THE ONE. and even after it was over, i must admit that the thought of us eventually getting back together has always been way way in the back of my head.

i'm not sure if i've spoken about what has transpired between the Ex and i in the past few months, and to be honest i don't really feel like getting into it. suffice to say that i told him that i thought it was inappropriate for us to keep hanging out and him not tell his fiance. i told him he had to handle this situation one way or the other. i took his resounding silence as a sign that he had decided to handle it -- by cutting me out of his life. just as i was dealing with that, he sent me a text message, inquiring about my life, my parents, etc. i never responded. i just couldn't. but i hate it. i just hate the way things are between the Ex and i these days. i hate, hate, HATE not having him in my life at all. not responding to his text message was difficult. but i felt like we were sneaking around (even though it was always innocent) and it wasn't right. until he addresses my concerns, i just can't deal with him.

but i hate it. and now he's getting married and i've known this day was coming for a long long time but i am still not prepared. would i ever be? would you? and then i'm torn and wondering if i should send him a card? a gift? a text message? what is the appropriate thing to do when THE EX is getting married to a woman who hates you (even though you've never met)?? i just don't know.

i know that part of the reason i'm so sad is that the Ex marrying someone else represents the end of a period of time for me. i am smart enough to realize that a lot of this is me just mourning the past. i know that. but some of this is just me being plain sad. it is sad to think of someone who you loved so much -- someone who you are no longer in love with but you do still love -- walking down an aisle and saying timeless vows to another woman. i wonder if i would feel better if i was 100% certain that he is happy with her. maybe, maybe not. is he happy with her? he never sounds like it when we talk. but maybe he's doing that bc he thinks it would hurt me to imagine him happy with another woman. who knows? so many questions. i'm just going to do my best to get through today.