the one where i wish i could say something...

the ex is getting married in august. i've known this for over a year and when i first heard he was engaged, i was honestly thrilled for him. okay, maybe thrilled is a bit strong, but i was genuinely happy for him. well, that was back in 2008. now it's 2 months before the wedding and i don't like it. for many reasons:

1. i do not think he is ready to marry this woman. i saw the ex when i was in atlanta for my college reunion and he did not appear in the least like a man who was excited to be getting married in a few months. he told BFF and i how he and his fiance haven't had relations in forever. i mean, really?! first, the fact that he told us is a big sign. why on earth would you share that information with your ex girlfriend and her best friend?? second, why the heck aren't they behaving like rabbits?? from what i've heard, the sex is supposed to go AFTER you are married, not before. i know from experience with the ex that no loving = NOT a happy relationship.
2. going along with number 1, the ex sent a few inappropriate texts that weekend while i was in atlanta. nothing crazy, just things that i know his fiance would not appreciate. 
3. of course, an obvious reason i don't like it is just because. the ex and i went through hell and back together and though i know its over and have moved on, it is incredibly strange that he is marrying someone else.

the other piece of this puzzle is that the ex's fiance absolutely hates me and everything i stand for. we've never met but she despises me. and i get that. however, it means that when the ex and i meet up for lunch or whatnot, he's sneaking around to do it. after what happened in atlanta, i decided that i was not comfortable with that anymore. i kind of figured it would just taper off, because let's be honest, i'm not in atlanta THAT much anymore and he's rarely up in dc. but of course, because this is my life, i received an email from him a few days back stating that he'll be in MD in june and would like to see me. he then said that he wasn't sure if it was possible and he'd have to see if he could "sneak out".  i wrote back that i would love to see him but questioned why he had to sneak out and if we would have to be friends "on the down low" for the rest of eternity. he hasn't responded yet. i'm not surprised.

the thing is, the ex is a good man. he's not a cheater, a bad person, or a sneaky guy. that's part of why his behavior is so troublesome. i don't like it and i think its indicative of some deep rooted trust issues in his relationship. of course, his current behavior makes that not a shocking observation. 

the one where i was thinking of you

i can't articulate the words, but luckily doria roberts has done it for me:

sitting looking through pictures

i come across your face

just one look and i'm reeling

got my thoughts all over the place

i'm gathering the courage

now i'm dialing your phone

thank god there's no answer

thank god you're not home

what would i say?

what would you do?

if i had said, well i was thinking of you

so i'm left with the questions

of what had become of our love

did it wither and dry like the dust in the wind in the summertime?

or is it a legend like the stars up above?

but now i have to pinch myself

bring it back to reality

you're no longer in my picture

you no longer belong to me

thinking of you...

the one about the biggest loser

okay, so i love the biggest loser. a lot. i'm kind of obsessed with it and it's definitely one of my favorite shows. and although a LOT of my friends make fun of me and my obsession, i truly believe it's a quality show. this is why:

• it's a reality show about something positive. don't get me wrong, i love trashy "reality" shows like the hills, the real housewives series, etc. but it's nice to settle in every tuesday night with a show that's about something we can all relate to: losing weight.
• bob and jillian are awesome. i have been doing the new biggest loser bootcamp video and that shit is tough. bob kicks ass. jillian isn't on the video, but watch the show. she kicks ass too.
• the show freaking saves lives. i am often brought to tears seeing the transformations that take place on the show. it's incredible and such a good reminder of what some good ole fashioned hard work can do. everyone wants a quick fix for losing weight, but there is none. surgery doesn't always work. extreme diets can't last. but working out and eating healthfully works. and this show proves that time and time again. 

love it!

the one about gay marriage

most of you have probably heard about carrie prejean, the miss california who did not win miss america in part because she came out against same-sex marriage. i've managed to mostly stay above the fray, but today i came across a new ad that the national organization for marriage is airing, and i felt the need to comment.  

i've never understood why people are so strongly opposed to gay marriage. i respect and understand folks religious reasons (i am a follower myself) but think it's very interesting and convenient to cherry pick portions of the bible to follow strictly. my feelings have always been that god doesn't rank sin, so why do we spend so much time focusing on gay marriage, when lying is a sin, not listening to your parents is a sin, etc. so in an effort to understand more, i poked around on the nat'l org. for marriage's website for some background about why they are so opposed.

i came across some talking points that the site advises its supporters to use. however, i found very little substance. for example, when asked "what about benefits?" those against same-sex marriage are supposed to declare that: "it's not about benefits." well, that's all nice and good...except it IS largely about benefits. as we all know, there are significant tax benefits for married couples, not to mention issues of health care, hospital visitations, etc. it is ridiculous to just dismiss those issues. when asked "what the harm" is, those against same-sex marriage are supposed to say that the "harm lies in taxpayers being unable to define marriage as between a man and a woman." um, okay. so again, where's the harm? 

i find it so frustrating that we can continue to legally stop same-sex couples from marrying. even if you don't agree with a gay lifestyle (which is a whole other issue, bc honestly, who gives a fuck if you agree or not? i don't care if people agree with my personal choices in regards to my sex life), again, i have to ask what is the harm in allowing two consenting adults to marry? i have yet to hear any cognizant arguments that have any substance articulating why same-sex marriage should be illegal. *

i am particularly troubled bc research shows that african-americans disagree with same-sex marriage at a significantly higher rate than whites. i fail to understand the distinctions between loving v. virginia (the case that declared interracial marriage constitutional some 50 [yes, you are reading that correctly, just 50] odd years ago) and the fight against gay marriage now. 

i guess my bottom line is - why do YOU personally care whether a gay couple can go to a courthouse and leave with a marriage license?

*outside of religious arguments, which have no place in a discussion about legality, since we have a legal separation of church and state. and to those who want to cite bible verses condemning same-sex marriage, please don't. i have read the verses. i understand what the bible says. but i still have trouble reconciling my christanity with a proscription against two consenting adults marrying. i'm working on ironing that all out. :)

the one about things i love

i love:

1. hot days. i complain, but secretly i love when it is socially acceptable to be half naked in public due to the heat.
2. being single. again, i complain, but there is nothing more fun than the promise of someone new. 
3. long lost friends discovering me on facebook. that first look at someone's profile is thrilling. i love it.
4. having a dog. nothing better, i swear.
5. summer eating. light meals, lots of seafood, delicious tomatoes. yummy!
6. agnes scott college. 
7. lazy days that seem to stretch on forever.
8. pineapple. especially if eaten in hawaii.
9. summer dresses. holla!
10. karaoke. i will never tire of it. 

the one where i am so conflicted

this past weekend, i was in atlanta attending the agnes reunion. it was wonderful. i still am exhausted. between all the drinking, dancing (saturday night we went to opera - and it was awesome! the dj loved michael jackson and really a club can't get better than that in my mind),  food poisoning (oh yeah. it was gross) and admiring the campus, it was a really busy weekend. 

but that's not what's on my mind right now. i saw the ex this weekend, albeit briefly. it was just strange. i haven't had enough time to process my thoughts on the whole thing but i have definitely been thinking about it nonstop. i just don't think he is ready to marry this woman in august and that makes me sad. i also feel conflicted because i would be happy if he didn't marry this woman. of course i would never say any of this to him. i think i am just confused because when i was with him, i still felt things. and then he said things to me which were kind of not the kinds of things a happily engaged man should say to any woman, particularly his ex. so, i apparently still have these feelings and it's pointless and ridiculous and sad because he's freaking engaged! i also kind of think that my feelings are magnified because i'm not currently dating anyone. of course, i will always care about him. and probably always have feelings. it just makes me feel a little bummed that he's probably going to marry someone and he's not ready. 

i guess too, as his wedding date gets closer, it's becoming real to me. when he first got engaged (about a year ago) it was very abstract. but now, it's really happening. and, i'll be honest, it's kind of shitty when the man you had your best relationship with to date is about to getting married and you...aren't. and you know, i don't regret breaking up w/him all those years ago bc i was 21 and wasn't ready. but in moments like these, i just wonder. i think i always thought that the ex would be around when/if i was ready. i guess i took that for granted. but the other hard part is that i know (he has told me) that he still feelings as well. the worse part is i don't even know what i want. all i know is i don't want him to get married. 

i think that's all i have to say about this right now.

the one about AGNES!

as most of you know, i absolutely LOVE my college. i had the best experience and adore all things agnes. well, tomorrow i get to go back and live life like it's 2004! amazingly, tomorrow begins my reunion weekend at good ole agnes -- 5 years! and am i excited? i'm freaking like a kid on christmas eve. so, you might ask, what kinds of things will we be doing this weekend? well, here's a few:

1. singing "beer beer beer for ol agnes scott. you bring the whiskey, i'll bring the scotch" with current students and other alumna, ranging in age from 22 to 82, most of them drunk. i'm not joking.
2. touring our beautiful campus.
3. throwing recently engaged classmates in our alumni pond. it's a great tradition i hope to carry out myself someday :)
4. drinking. lots of drinking.
5. and lots, lots, lots more!

i can't wait to see all my girls. a bunch of us are staying w/agnes and c. mimmy. soo freaking fun!