i plan to write more on this later (or maybe not, i am a student now, ya know!) but i thought that this post encapsulates a lot of my feelings on catcalls.
and to be fair bc i'm pretty sure someone will mention this, i have said that the day i walk down the street and people act like i'm not there will be a sad day. but i DO NOT like "baby girl", "shorty", "eh ma", etc. a simple hello or a "you look nice today" is appreciated. starring straight at my boobs is not.
Posted by Courtney @ Eat Pray Run DC at 8/31/2009 11:18:00 PM
the Ex is getting married today. i don't really know what to say about it or how to describe exactly how i feel. the Ex and i have been over for quite awhile. but for a long time (about 4.5 years) i thought that the Ex was THE ONE. and even after it was over, i must admit that the thought of us eventually getting back together has always been way way in the back of my head.
i'm not sure if i've spoken about what has transpired between the Ex and i in the past few months, and to be honest i don't really feel like getting into it. suffice to say that i told him that i thought it was inappropriate for us to keep hanging out and him not tell his fiance. i told him he had to handle this situation one way or the other. i took his resounding silence as a sign that he had decided to handle it -- by cutting me out of his life. just as i was dealing with that, he sent me a text message, inquiring about my life, my parents, etc. i never responded. i just couldn't. but i hate it. i just hate the way things are between the Ex and i these days. i hate, hate, HATE not having him in my life at all. not responding to his text message was difficult. but i felt like we were sneaking around (even though it was always innocent) and it wasn't right. until he addresses my concerns, i just can't deal with him.
but i hate it. and now he's getting married and i've known this day was coming for a long long time but i am still not prepared. would i ever be? would you? and then i'm torn and wondering if i should send him a card? a gift? a text message? what is the appropriate thing to do when THE EX is getting married to a woman who hates you (even though you've never met)?? i just don't know.
i know that part of the reason i'm so sad is that the Ex marrying someone else represents the end of a period of time for me. i am smart enough to realize that a lot of this is me just mourning the past. i know that. but some of this is just me being plain sad. it is sad to think of someone who you loved so much -- someone who you are no longer in love with but you do still love -- walking down an aisle and saying timeless vows to another woman. i wonder if i would feel better if i was 100% certain that he is happy with her. maybe, maybe not. is he happy with her? he never sounds like it when we talk. but maybe he's doing that bc he thinks it would hurt me to imagine him happy with another woman. who knows? so many questions. i'm just going to do my best to get through today.
carrie bradshaw said it best when she asked, "when will waiting for the one be done?" it's an interesting concept. is there just "one" __________ (fill in the blank) for each of us? one perfect job, one perfect house, one perfect city, one perfect man? what if you think you've lost that one perfect ____________? then what? are you resigned to spend the rest of your life looking back and wondering what could've been? or do you draw up a new plan, adapt and move on?
i've asked myself that question a lot lately. i am trying to be more open to the idea that maybe what i think is the one, is...not. i think that as you get older you have such expectations for your life and it can be shocking when you take a step back and see that what you thought your life would be is not quite the case. and not even in a negative light. for example, i certainly never imagined i'd be going back to school for another degree at the age of 26. i didn't imagine living in dc and although i don't think i thought much about relationships (i just assumed i'd still be with the Ex i think), i know that i didn't anticipate not being in one.
so what do i now think about the concept of "the one?" i don't know. all i know is that i'm still figuring it all out and i think that's the beauty of it all. for once, i accept the fact that i have no idea what's going to happen in a year, in two years, or even in two months, really. and i'm okay with that...at least i'm trying to be :)
Posted by Courtney @ Eat Pray Run DC at 8/10/2009 12:13:00 AM