the one about what i'm looking for

in the words of carrie bradshaw...

i'm looking for love. real love. ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love.

and good sex. lots of good sex. :) (okay, that was me, not carrie b. - but i'm sure she'd agree!)

the one about giving thanks

in honor of thanksgiving, i'd like to take some time and share a few of the things that i am thankful for. i know that i am truly blessed and sometimes its difficult to remember all of the blessings that have i've been lucky enough to receive so sometimes making a list helps.

• i am thankful for a roof (actually multiple roofs) over my head and that i never have to wonder where my next meal will come from
• i am thankful for family who continuously love and support me
• i am thankful for friends who inspire me and are always a comfort
• i am thankful for the sweetest little puppy dog in the world
• i am thankful for education which has allowed me pursue my dreams
• i am thankful for my health
• i am thankful to live in the united states. though i am sometimes unhappy with certain things that happen in this country, i recognize that just being born in the u.s. is a blessing and i am thankful for it
• i am thankful for our military -- i am awed by the decisions and risks our service members take and i am grateful
• i am thankful for dvr. seriously, i love it.
• i am thankful all the men i have loved and the men that have loved me. i've learned a lot about myself through those relationships and i wouldn't take back any of it
• i am thankful for my 15 year old self keeping a journal so i can look back and reflect on how crazy i was!
• i am thankful for hope and the promise of new adventures.

what are you thankful for during the holiday season?

the one about what i miss

i miss the things that are a given when you are in a relationship. sleepovers, lazy afternoons on the couch watching football, movie nights and making dinner together. i miss the fun routine of knowing that every tuesday you both go out with your friends then meet back up at home. i miss going out together with your collective group of friends and then gossiping about them on the drive home. i miss that wonderfully safe feeling when you are lying in someone's arms and you know that neither one of you would rather be anywhere else.

i had a fantastic weekend and i'm thankful for my friends and my family. but i still miss the aforementioned things :)

the one about speed dating

oh yeah, you read that right...speed dating. i decided to go ahead and just do it. i figured it'd be fun and worse case scenario, i'd get no dates, but some funny stories. here's hoping i get both...

it basically worked just like on SATC except that the men didn't visibly recoil when i said that i was a lawyer (i admit, i was kind of nervous about it). they had all the women sit behind little tables and then the men rotated every four minutes. i had a blast. there were a few cute guys, one guy who had to be at least 65 and his name was elvin (i thought of elvin on the cosby show) and one guy who was super super creepy. creepy guy was trying to invite me to a party next weekend, told me i was exquisite and then promptly asked why i was not married. i did not feel the need to ask him the same question because it was readily apparent. he then started talking about how black women aren't married because they focus too much on the kingdom and not enough on the king. i then gave him my crazy face. he quickly recanted and tried to pass it off as a joke. i still don't know what the fuck he was talking about. thank god four minutes goes quickly.

i'm hoping i get matched with one of the cuties that were there...i'll keep everyone posted :)

the one where i'm wondering...

is it wrong that i sometimes listen to pachebel's canon in d multiple times on repeat? because i do. :)

the one about time and space

it is approaching october which means many different things for me. it means my birthday (yay!), fall, halloween and this year it means a year since the Banker and i broke up. and it's been an eventful year. in terms of the Banker and i, there have been many ups and downs. i struggled to maintain a friendship with him and then cut him off when i realized that maintaining a friendship with him didn't seem possible. and now, of course, he's back. not completely back, but he has contacted me and expressed in an interest in rebuilding our friendship.

at first i was taken aback by his message. i have so many conflicting emotions regarding the Banker. i truly fell in love with him and i was pretty upset after it didn't work out. i was more upset when i felt like i had been lied to after we broke up. i felt that his behavior after our break up was reprehensible. honestly, my feelings were hurt. and i felt (and still feel) that if we were going to be friends, he'd have to truly make amends and acknowledge (at a minimum) what he did was wrong.

so i don't know what's going to happen. obviously, a good deal of time has passed and we now have this physical buffer between us. i just don't want to get sucked back in and then feel like an idiot for giving him a chance to be involved in my life again. i know that some of my friends (i'm looking at you, AHS) don't understand why i even care or why i'm even giving the Banker the time of day. and to them all i can say is that i love hard. and i give second (and third and fourth) chances. but i do learn from them. i'm not saying i'm going to go hop on a plane and visit the Banker. but the things about him that i loved are still there and if we can find a way to navigate through our past and the hurt feelings and the confusion and develop a friendship, i think i'd really enjoy that.

the one about my love for school

if you know anything about me you know that i have an incredible amount of love for the previous two educational institutions i attended. i will forever love and support agnes scott and i will always treasure my time at uva law. when i began my ll.m. at au washington college of law i told myself that i wasn't going to let this new school creep into my heart and pocketbook. i already in very involved with my two alma maters and really don't have the time or energy to love another educational institution. and i still maintain that stance. i am not involved in the wcl community like i was involved during either law school or college. however, i am really starting to appreciate the level of professor involvement and interest at wcl. to begin with, every class i'm taking has 15 or less students in it. now, i took small classes at uva also. i think the difference is that now i'm so much more focused on my schoolwork that i'm truly taking an interest in the material and i think my professors appreciate it. i've had such wonderful experiences thus far, and it's only been a few weeks.

i have to say, wcl, you may not ever be my beloved agnes or uva law...but you are earning my respect.

the one about second, third and fourth chances

as predicted by Agnes, the Banker texted me yesterday. nothing serious, just a very short "i guess we are no longer friends? i had hoped we could build a friendship. football season made me think about you, i hope you are well." i was taken by surprise bc i haven't heard from the Banker probably since june and i haven't actually responded to any of his messages, phone calls, etc since feb. for a second, i wanted to write him back. especially bc i've been thinking about him since football season began as well. the Banker really is the person who helped to create my passion for alabama football (roll tide!) and i am grateful for that. i've missed his commentary on games and the obsessive way he watches every single television program that even mentions nick saban's name. but...i decided to cut him out of my life for a reason. it wasn't a decision i made lightly and it's not a decision that he can cause me to completely reevaluate just because its football season and he misses me.

so, i don't think i'm going to respond. at least not yet. what i may do is write him a letter explaining why i have no desire to be friends with him. but i know that doing that will just drag on this discussion of "why can't we be friends?" unless and until the Banker owns up to some of the shitty stuff he did, i will not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. i simply don't trust and i think he is way too selfish to understand that. anyway, i'm going to mull it over for a couple of days and then see how i feel.

the one about PDA

so, i apparently am on the same class schedule with this couple at school. it's clear that they are a couple because they hold hands every second they are together. they hold hands while walking through crowded halls. they hold hands while on a crowded elevator. they hold hands walking down a narrow staircase (seriously, i'm not making this up). they even hold hands while studying together in the library. it grosses me out. and not because hand holding is gross. i like to hold hands and don't think anything of holding hands with my good friends (as AHS can attest to, since i tried to make him hold my hand for the whole walk to the metro last week). but it's gross to be THAT dependent on someone else that you can't let their hand go for a second. seriously, a few days ago when i saw the hand holding while they were studying together, i am pretty certain i gave them my crazy face. i usually try and reserve crazy face for something really truly odd. or for random men on the train/street/bus, but i couldn't help it.

what's the craziest PDA you've seen?

ps - i realize i've taken to asking questions at the end of my posts. it's probably just a phase. i also am writing shorter posts bc it takes so much time to write longer pieces and i would really like to get more posts up. just like coach says at boot camp: "it's about quantity. pump em out!"

the one about music

i am slightly obsessed with music. there is something about songs that can just take me to a different place. sometimes its the melody, sometimes its a particular chord, sometimes its the lyrics and sometimes its the combination but the best songs (and sometimes the worst) just transport me to a particular memory, a person or an experience.

i also do this weird thing where when i hear really great lyrics, i envision a movie playing out in the background. i can't tell you how many 5 minute movie scenes i've come up with in my head based on a sentence or two in a song. does anyone else do this?? or is it just me?

the one where i borrow someone words

i plan to write more on this later (or maybe not, i am a student now, ya know!) but i thought that this post encapsulates a lot of my feelings on catcalls.

and to be fair bc i'm pretty sure someone will mention this, i have said that the day i walk down the street and people act like i'm not there will be a sad day. but i DO NOT like "baby girl", "shorty", "eh ma", etc. a simple hello or a "you look nice today" is appreciated. starring straight at my boobs is not.

the one...just not the one for me

the Ex is getting married today. i don't really know what to say about it or how to describe exactly how i feel. the Ex and i have been over for quite awhile. but for a long time (about 4.5 years) i thought that the Ex was THE ONE. and even after it was over, i must admit that the thought of us eventually getting back together has always been way way in the back of my head.

i'm not sure if i've spoken about what has transpired between the Ex and i in the past few months, and to be honest i don't really feel like getting into it. suffice to say that i told him that i thought it was inappropriate for us to keep hanging out and him not tell his fiance. i told him he had to handle this situation one way or the other. i took his resounding silence as a sign that he had decided to handle it -- by cutting me out of his life. just as i was dealing with that, he sent me a text message, inquiring about my life, my parents, etc. i never responded. i just couldn't. but i hate it. i just hate the way things are between the Ex and i these days. i hate, hate, HATE not having him in my life at all. not responding to his text message was difficult. but i felt like we were sneaking around (even though it was always innocent) and it wasn't right. until he addresses my concerns, i just can't deal with him.

but i hate it. and now he's getting married and i've known this day was coming for a long long time but i am still not prepared. would i ever be? would you? and then i'm torn and wondering if i should send him a card? a gift? a text message? what is the appropriate thing to do when THE EX is getting married to a woman who hates you (even though you've never met)?? i just don't know.

i know that part of the reason i'm so sad is that the Ex marrying someone else represents the end of a period of time for me. i am smart enough to realize that a lot of this is me just mourning the past. i know that. but some of this is just me being plain sad. it is sad to think of someone who you loved so much -- someone who you are no longer in love with but you do still love -- walking down an aisle and saying timeless vows to another woman. i wonder if i would feel better if i was 100% certain that he is happy with her. maybe, maybe not. is he happy with her? he never sounds like it when we talk. but maybe he's doing that bc he thinks it would hurt me to imagine him happy with another woman. who knows? so many questions. i'm just going to do my best to get through today.

the one.

carrie bradshaw said it best when she asked, "when will waiting for the one be done?" it's an interesting concept. is there just "one" __________ (fill in the blank) for each of us? one perfect job, one perfect house, one perfect city, one perfect man? what if you think you've lost that one perfect ____________? then what? are you resigned to spend the rest of your life looking back and wondering what could've been? or do you draw up a new plan, adapt and move on?

i've asked myself that question a lot lately. i am trying to be more open to the idea that maybe what i think is the one, is...not. i think that as you get older you have such expectations for your life and it can be shocking when you take a step back and see that what you thought your life would be is not quite the case. and not even in a negative light. for example, i certainly never imagined i'd be going back to school for another degree at the age of 26. i didn't imagine living in dc and although i don't think i thought much about relationships (i just assumed i'd still be with the Ex i think), i know that i didn't anticipate not being in one.

so what do i now think about the concept of "the one?" i don't know. all i know is that i'm still figuring it all out and i think that's the beauty of it all. for once, i accept the fact that i have no idea what's going to happen in a year, in two years, or even in two months, really. and i'm okay with that...at least i'm trying to be :)

the one about my car

or rather, how i haven't driven it all week. :) i LOVE living walking distance to so many things. and if i can't walk, i can take a bus/train/etc. it's wonderful. it's great to be back in a city. i loved living downtown while i was in birmingham and i love living in a city again. the dog and LS BFF's cats haven't killed each other yet, which is another positive.

i start school again in a few weeks, which i'm so excited about. i think it's going to be awesome and i'm pumped. oh, and i (along with a few coworkers, Lifeboat and LS BFF) begin boot camp in a couple of weeks, so prepare for the hottness. yeah, i said it. you think i'm hot now, wait til i get my ass kicked 3x a week, for 4 weeks... :)

the one about my new hood

i've moved! it's official. on friday, the dog and i picked up and moved 22 miles into washington, d.c. we love it. we're just about unpacked and i now have a 15 minute (thanks lifeboat!) commute to work which is awesome. i am also less than a mile from u street, which everyone knows i'm obsessed with. all in all, i'm pretty freakin' happy. i promise i'll be back soon with a longer post and some more interesting stories :)

the one about my move

i am moving! yay! the dog and i are moving in with LS BFF very very soon. we're going to start taking small boxes over there next week and am planning on moving the big stuff (bed, dresser, etc) next weekend. anyone want to help? anyone have a truck and want to help?? AHS, i'm looking at you :) i'll provide the pizza/beer, you provide the manpower.

alternatively, i'll see how Lifeboat likes her movers and go from there. it's been great kicking it with the parents (seriously, it has been) but i'm so SICK of that f-in commute. i'm exhausted every day when i get home. i'm really looking forward to a shorter commute. yay for city life!

the one about school pt 2

for all y'all who are like me and curious, here is the link to my program...

the one about school

so...awhile back, i decided that since the search for permanent work wasn't going swimmingly, i would apply to get an llm at american university. they have an llm program in law and government and within that program, there is a concentration in civil and constitutional rights. i kind of applied on a lark and at the last minute. but, amazingly, i got in!

so...next month, i'm a student again! i know it won't be easy, but i'm really excited and looking forward to learning more, getting an externship and using my brain again. i get christmas break! and spring break! and the chance to learn! did i mention spring break???? :)

although, nerdy as it may be, i must admit, the thing i'm most excited by is being able to schedule classes!!! i LOVE scheduling classes. it's kind of my favorite thing ever. holla!!

the one about facebook

i enjoy facebook as much as the next person, but i have to say that i REALLY enjoy on nights where something big is happening on television and you can follow all your friends thoughts on whatever it is you're watching. for example, tonight i'm watching the BET music awards. as with most awards shows, its a little bit ridiculous and a lot of fun and i'm loving reading what all my friends are thinking as they watch the show. so fun!

that's all for now :)

the one about michael jackson

like most of the world, i loved michael jackson. his music was the soundtrack to my child. my older sister got me hooked and i never let go. michael jackson's bad world tour in 1988 was my very first concert. i was six years old and it was amazing. sadly, michael was also a seriously troubled man and i'm happy that he's finally at peace. he changed the music world forever. not to mention what he did for race relations. many people forget that back when he started producing his music videos, mtv only showed rock videos. they initially were not interested in mj's videos. ha, that soon changed. michael jackson was an amazing artist and i'm thankful that i can say that i saw him live. i'm confident that his music will continue to live on.

in no particular order, here are some of my favorite mj songs:

• dirty diana -- that line where he sings "she said he's not coming back because he's sleeping with me" was ridiculous. even at a young age, i knew that this diana lady was up to no good.
• pyt -- i will forever and always love pyt. such a classic
• man in the mirror
• billie jean -- again, just like with dirty diana, i knew that mj had ran across some sketchy ladies.
• don't stop til you get enough -- just the intro music to this song is enough to make me run out to the dance floor.
• beat it -- the dancing!!
• smooth criminal -- that video was so freakin' sick. absolutely incredible.
• off the wall -- LOVE it
• and of course, wanna be startin' something!

the one about what i want/need

i think that a lot of people are sort of vague about what they want, or more importantly, what they need in relationships. i know that i've been guilty of that in the past. but the wonderful thing is that with each passing relationship, i've become more and more clear about who i am, what i want and what i need. so at this point, i have a pretty good idea.

what i need:

• a man who has a college education. call it snobby, call it judgmental, call it what you want. i've dated a man who did not go to college and there were problems. the fact that he didn't go to college didn't really bother me, but he was always throwing my education back in my face. like in a fight, he'd say things like "well, i didn't go to [insert name of my college/law school] and so i must be an idiot." dealing with his inferiority complex got old REAL quick
• a man with an opinion. if you know me, you know i am quite opinionated. i like trading ideas and hearing what others think. if a man's standard response to questions is "i don't know", then it ain't gonna work.
• a man who is confident. i have a strong personality and i need someone who is not afraid to call me out on my shit. i am aware that this is what i need. if i intimidate you, then it won't ever work. if you aren't confident, then i will run all over your ass. it sounds terrible, but, hey, at least i acknowledge it :)
• a considerate man. of course, like most outgoing people, i still have insecurities and want to be appreciated. i can't handle rudeness. i got over dating "bad boys" in high school.
• a man who likes dogs. or at the very least likes my dog. sasha fierce is a huge part of my life and if you can't get down with that, it won't work. sasha fierce is awesome and if you don't appreciate that, we won't get along.
• a man who has his life together. shit doesn't have to be perfect, but i'm not interested in hanging around while you "find yourself".
• i need a man who loves food as much as i do. need i say more?
• my friends are a big part of my life and i want my man to love that and to love my friends.
• that being said, i want to know your friends, too. i want to be a part of your life if we are going to be together.
• i need someone who is willing to make time for me. i require attention. i am going to want to talk to you everyday if we are in a relationship. i'm going to want to hang out with you a couple times a week if we're in a relationship. if we never see each other and we never talk, then why am i dating you exclusively? i don't think i'm crazy about this and am usually pretty laid back about it. suffice to say that if consistently text me on thursdays asking to kick it at 10pm on a friday night, we won't work out. does that make sense?

anyway, that's the basics. obviously, a lot of things go into compatibility -- these are just a few things that are important to me.

the one about food

as you all know, i love food. i enjoy eating, and sharing a meal with friends and family is one of my greatest pleasures. lately i've been thinking a lot about food. specifically, i've been thinking about how disconnected we are from the food we purchase and eat every day. i wonder if it's possible for me to bridge this gap. i would love to eat only organic, locally sourced food. is this possible? my dad and i grow our own herbs in the backyard, which is a great start. but in thinking over my daily routine (making a lunch to take the office, eating dinner, snacks) i have difficulty seeing how i could possibly only purchase organic or locally produced items and be able to afford it. what i think would be awesome is if dc had a daily farmers market. similar to the the dekalb farmers market in decatur, about a mile from the agnes scott campus. the dekalb farmers market is amazing. it's open 7 days a week, and it's a place where you know you can go and buy local, organic produce, meat, seafood, etc. and it's very reasonably priced. i could afford it as a college student. there is nothing similar in the dc area that i know of. so since i don't live in atlanta and absolutely can not afford whole foods on a weekly basis (although i really wish i could -- that place is like crack; so addictive), what can i do? i do visit farmers markets around the area, but wish there was a daily option. oh, i guess there is eastern market. i've never visited during the week, so i'm not sure about their meat and produce options. has anyone ever visited eastern market during the week? perhaps i'll go this week and check it out and see if it matches my deakalb farmers market...

the one about my new dating rules

i've decided that from now on out i'm only dating pre-screened men. the thought behind this is that my friends know me pretty well. they know what i'm apt to like/dislike/find attractive/put up with/etc. particularly my long term friends. if one of these friends recommends a guy, then i can safely assume that he's at least personable, decent looking, doing something with his life and reasonably intelligent.

so, i guess the next question is, what if i meet an awesome guy while out at a restaurant/bar/etc? will i give him a chance? sure. but in general, unless the man comes stamped with a "quality" sticker, i'm probably not going to waste my time. i'm not that pressed to be with someone -- i actually enjoy spending time alone, with my puppy and with my family and friends. this little stretch of time post the Banker is the longest i've been single since law school. and i have to say it hasn't been bad at all. i've kind of enjoyed it. occasionally i'd like to have a guy to take to various events, etc. but overall, no complaints :)

the one where i wish i could say something...

the ex is getting married in august. i've known this for over a year and when i first heard he was engaged, i was honestly thrilled for him. okay, maybe thrilled is a bit strong, but i was genuinely happy for him. well, that was back in 2008. now it's 2 months before the wedding and i don't like it. for many reasons:

1. i do not think he is ready to marry this woman. i saw the ex when i was in atlanta for my college reunion and he did not appear in the least like a man who was excited to be getting married in a few months. he told BFF and i how he and his fiance haven't had relations in forever. i mean, really?! first, the fact that he told us is a big sign. why on earth would you share that information with your ex girlfriend and her best friend?? second, why the heck aren't they behaving like rabbits?? from what i've heard, the sex is supposed to go AFTER you are married, not before. i know from experience with the ex that no loving = NOT a happy relationship.
2. going along with number 1, the ex sent a few inappropriate texts that weekend while i was in atlanta. nothing crazy, just things that i know his fiance would not appreciate. 
3. of course, an obvious reason i don't like it is just because. the ex and i went through hell and back together and though i know its over and have moved on, it is incredibly strange that he is marrying someone else.

the other piece of this puzzle is that the ex's fiance absolutely hates me and everything i stand for. we've never met but she despises me. and i get that. however, it means that when the ex and i meet up for lunch or whatnot, he's sneaking around to do it. after what happened in atlanta, i decided that i was not comfortable with that anymore. i kind of figured it would just taper off, because let's be honest, i'm not in atlanta THAT much anymore and he's rarely up in dc. but of course, because this is my life, i received an email from him a few days back stating that he'll be in MD in june and would like to see me. he then said that he wasn't sure if it was possible and he'd have to see if he could "sneak out".  i wrote back that i would love to see him but questioned why he had to sneak out and if we would have to be friends "on the down low" for the rest of eternity. he hasn't responded yet. i'm not surprised.

the thing is, the ex is a good man. he's not a cheater, a bad person, or a sneaky guy. that's part of why his behavior is so troublesome. i don't like it and i think its indicative of some deep rooted trust issues in his relationship. of course, his current behavior makes that not a shocking observation. 

the one where i was thinking of you

i can't articulate the words, but luckily doria roberts has done it for me:

sitting looking through pictures

i come across your face

just one look and i'm reeling

got my thoughts all over the place

i'm gathering the courage

now i'm dialing your phone

thank god there's no answer

thank god you're not home

what would i say?

what would you do?

if i had said, well i was thinking of you

so i'm left with the questions

of what had become of our love

did it wither and dry like the dust in the wind in the summertime?

or is it a legend like the stars up above?

but now i have to pinch myself

bring it back to reality

you're no longer in my picture

you no longer belong to me

thinking of you...

the one about the biggest loser

okay, so i love the biggest loser. a lot. i'm kind of obsessed with it and it's definitely one of my favorite shows. and although a LOT of my friends make fun of me and my obsession, i truly believe it's a quality show. this is why:

• it's a reality show about something positive. don't get me wrong, i love trashy "reality" shows like the hills, the real housewives series, etc. but it's nice to settle in every tuesday night with a show that's about something we can all relate to: losing weight.
• bob and jillian are awesome. i have been doing the new biggest loser bootcamp video and that shit is tough. bob kicks ass. jillian isn't on the video, but watch the show. she kicks ass too.
• the show freaking saves lives. i am often brought to tears seeing the transformations that take place on the show. it's incredible and such a good reminder of what some good ole fashioned hard work can do. everyone wants a quick fix for losing weight, but there is none. surgery doesn't always work. extreme diets can't last. but working out and eating healthfully works. and this show proves that time and time again. 

love it!

the one about gay marriage

most of you have probably heard about carrie prejean, the miss california who did not win miss america in part because she came out against same-sex marriage. i've managed to mostly stay above the fray, but today i came across a new ad that the national organization for marriage is airing, and i felt the need to comment.  

i've never understood why people are so strongly opposed to gay marriage. i respect and understand folks religious reasons (i am a follower myself) but think it's very interesting and convenient to cherry pick portions of the bible to follow strictly. my feelings have always been that god doesn't rank sin, so why do we spend so much time focusing on gay marriage, when lying is a sin, not listening to your parents is a sin, etc. so in an effort to understand more, i poked around on the nat'l org. for marriage's website for some background about why they are so opposed.

i came across some talking points that the site advises its supporters to use. however, i found very little substance. for example, when asked "what about benefits?" those against same-sex marriage are supposed to declare that: "it's not about benefits." well, that's all nice and good...except it IS largely about benefits. as we all know, there are significant tax benefits for married couples, not to mention issues of health care, hospital visitations, etc. it is ridiculous to just dismiss those issues. when asked "what the harm" is, those against same-sex marriage are supposed to say that the "harm lies in taxpayers being unable to define marriage as between a man and a woman." um, okay. so again, where's the harm? 

i find it so frustrating that we can continue to legally stop same-sex couples from marrying. even if you don't agree with a gay lifestyle (which is a whole other issue, bc honestly, who gives a fuck if you agree or not? i don't care if people agree with my personal choices in regards to my sex life), again, i have to ask what is the harm in allowing two consenting adults to marry? i have yet to hear any cognizant arguments that have any substance articulating why same-sex marriage should be illegal. *

i am particularly troubled bc research shows that african-americans disagree with same-sex marriage at a significantly higher rate than whites. i fail to understand the distinctions between loving v. virginia (the case that declared interracial marriage constitutional some 50 [yes, you are reading that correctly, just 50] odd years ago) and the fight against gay marriage now. 

i guess my bottom line is - why do YOU personally care whether a gay couple can go to a courthouse and leave with a marriage license?

*outside of religious arguments, which have no place in a discussion about legality, since we have a legal separation of church and state. and to those who want to cite bible verses condemning same-sex marriage, please don't. i have read the verses. i understand what the bible says. but i still have trouble reconciling my christanity with a proscription against two consenting adults marrying. i'm working on ironing that all out. :)

the one about things i love

i love:

1. hot days. i complain, but secretly i love when it is socially acceptable to be half naked in public due to the heat.
2. being single. again, i complain, but there is nothing more fun than the promise of someone new. 
3. long lost friends discovering me on facebook. that first look at someone's profile is thrilling. i love it.
4. having a dog. nothing better, i swear.
5. summer eating. light meals, lots of seafood, delicious tomatoes. yummy!
6. agnes scott college. 
7. lazy days that seem to stretch on forever.
8. pineapple. especially if eaten in hawaii.
9. summer dresses. holla!
10. karaoke. i will never tire of it. 

the one where i am so conflicted

this past weekend, i was in atlanta attending the agnes reunion. it was wonderful. i still am exhausted. between all the drinking, dancing (saturday night we went to opera - and it was awesome! the dj loved michael jackson and really a club can't get better than that in my mind),  food poisoning (oh yeah. it was gross) and admiring the campus, it was a really busy weekend. 

but that's not what's on my mind right now. i saw the ex this weekend, albeit briefly. it was just strange. i haven't had enough time to process my thoughts on the whole thing but i have definitely been thinking about it nonstop. i just don't think he is ready to marry this woman in august and that makes me sad. i also feel conflicted because i would be happy if he didn't marry this woman. of course i would never say any of this to him. i think i am just confused because when i was with him, i still felt things. and then he said things to me which were kind of not the kinds of things a happily engaged man should say to any woman, particularly his ex. so, i apparently still have these feelings and it's pointless and ridiculous and sad because he's freaking engaged! i also kind of think that my feelings are magnified because i'm not currently dating anyone. of course, i will always care about him. and probably always have feelings. it just makes me feel a little bummed that he's probably going to marry someone and he's not ready. 

i guess too, as his wedding date gets closer, it's becoming real to me. when he first got engaged (about a year ago) it was very abstract. but now, it's really happening. and, i'll be honest, it's kind of shitty when the man you had your best relationship with to date is about to getting married and you...aren't. and you know, i don't regret breaking up w/him all those years ago bc i was 21 and wasn't ready. but in moments like these, i just wonder. i think i always thought that the ex would be around when/if i was ready. i guess i took that for granted. but the other hard part is that i know (he has told me) that he still feelings as well. the worse part is i don't even know what i want. all i know is i don't want him to get married. 

i think that's all i have to say about this right now.

the one about AGNES!

as most of you know, i absolutely LOVE my college. i had the best experience and adore all things agnes. well, tomorrow i get to go back and live life like it's 2004! amazingly, tomorrow begins my reunion weekend at good ole agnes -- 5 years! and am i excited? i'm freaking like a kid on christmas eve. so, you might ask, what kinds of things will we be doing this weekend? well, here's a few:

1. singing "beer beer beer for ol agnes scott. you bring the whiskey, i'll bring the scotch" with current students and other alumna, ranging in age from 22 to 82, most of them drunk. i'm not joking.
2. touring our beautiful campus.
3. throwing recently engaged classmates in our alumni pond. it's a great tradition i hope to carry out myself someday :)
4. drinking. lots of drinking.
5. and lots, lots, lots more!

i can't wait to see all my girls. a bunch of us are staying w/agnes and c. mimmy. soo freaking fun!

the one every girl hates

last week, i pulled an old pair of jeans out of my closet and *attempted* to put them on. okay, they fit. but they did NOT fit how they fit when they were originally purchased. yuck. so, i took myself on a run friday night. of course, i went out way too fast and could barely walk on saturday. i ran again sunday and would like to go tomorrow provided the rain stops. i freaking hate gaining weight. i attribute a lot of it to living at home. my mother has a ridiculous sweet tooth and buys all kind of tempting crap. and if it's there, i'll eat it. which is why i don't buy shit when i live alone. so, thanks mom for making me gain 5 pounds. :) (okay, i'm joking. i don't blame my mom. i blame my lack of willpower and cold weather. mainly the lack of willpower.)

luckily for me, it's now getting warmer and i can actually work out. i've also just pretty much stopped going into the cabinets except to get cereal. it's the only safe thing there. 

and, just on a random other note -- i'm watching the hills and wtf is up w/all these random shots of women's asses?? 

oh - one last thing. i've nixed the idea of travelling to NYC for a special recycling trip. good advice friends :)

the one about my "practice" for the amazing race

so my BFF and i have decided to apply for the amazing race. in order to practice for the show (bc i'm so SURE we'll get chosen, lol), i've come across this. it looks like a little baby, one day amazing race. and it looks super super fun. running all across dc, figuring out clues? tee shirts? crazy costumes? i'm so in! who wants to do it with me??

oh, and if you're wondering i am NOT kidding :)

the one about recycling

so, as most of you know, i've been single since late october. which, since it's now early april, means that it's been awhile. i have always liked the concept of recycling, if at all possible. i like that i'm not introducing someone new into the mix and i already know what to expect. i've successfully recycled before during LS when times were tough. it was the perfect setup. CL (recycle boy) and i had hooked up midway through the last semester of 3L year. it ended kind of badly but then we were able to recover and remain friends. graduation weekend, we were both crazy busy and stressed w/our respective families about to come into town. so, 2 nights before graduation, we recycled each other. and it was nice. a good way to say goodbye :)

so now, i want to recycle. i'm not dating anyone and i don't do random hookups. but who to recycle? definitely am not recycling the Banker or the other loser i dated in bham. no one else lives in dc. probably the closest person (distance-wise) is CL and i don't particularly wish to travel to NYC to recycle someone. or do i? sigh.

are we in agreement that i should not travel across state lines for the sole purpose of some recycled booty? i think i'm pretty much closing the book on this one and resigning myself to wait until i actually have a boyfriend again. double sigh. actually, i take back that sigh. i do like being single. i just don't like not being able to scratch the itch :)

the one about the real sasha fierce...

and i ain't talkin about beyonce. my mini doxie, sasha, is one of the best things in my life. first of all, she's cute as a button. seriously. look at that picture. but in addition, having a puppy gave my life a certain level of responsibility and structure that feels good. i suppose it's similar to having children in that respect, but much easier :) i mean, even when things are bad, when i feel kind of down, because of sasha, life goes on. sasha still needs to eat, drink, pee and poop. and thus, because my puppy needs to continue business as usual, i continue business as usual. but really -- who could be sad when looking at that face??!

the one about dating

...and by the one, i mean the 50th one about dating :). i've decided to issue a challenge/request to my friends. as well all know, i'm pretty fabulous. :) i think i'm just about ready to meet a man who is just as fabulous. and, my friends are pretty freaking fabulous as well. so, it only makes sense that my fabulous friends introduce me to their other single fabulous men friends. so, i'm asking: if you live in the dc area (i'm not doing long distance), think of one super fabulous friend that you think i would get along with. once you have that friend in mine, let's go out and get a drink. 

i figure i probably have about 10-15 dc area friends who read this blog. so that's 10-15 introductions. seems like a good place to start to me :) especially since i couldn't go to the libel show this year and meet my future husband at uva (ahem, LS BFF!)...

alright. the challenge is there! go team!

the one about commuting

you may have noticed i've been posting less. that would be because i'm perpetually exhausted thanks to my 2+ hour (roundtrip) commute each day. the good news is i'm making money - working as a temp attorney doing document review. the bad news is the commute makes me ready for bed by about 7:30pm. boo to the commute. i don't know how people do this on a regular basis. once i get a permanent job (still working on it, but am beginning to schedule interviews) i'll be looking for a place in the district. i am supposed to be moving in with LS BFF in august but i don't think i can wait that long, unfortunately. i feel like an old lady! i need to reclaim my life! damn you, commute! 

oh, but i will say that the metro provides for some interesting experiences. this afternoon i was almost up close and personal w/some dude's junk. GROSS. luckily he moved before i had to say: "um, excuse me, sir? do you mind removing your penis from my eye? thanks." if it sounds gross to you, imagine how i felt sitting there. yuck. 

the one where i confess

i have a confession to make. i'm a single 26 year old who has been living at home since feb. 1... and i've kind of enjoyed it. there. i said it. i thought that living at home temporaily was going to suck, to be honest. but it's been a pleasant surprise. the Parents have helped out with the dog, given me money (holla!) and in general been cool. my mom and i have done a ton of touristy things around the city, which is fun. and i think it's given mom and i a chance to really improve our relationship. not that it's ever been awful, but it's no secret that i've always been a daddy's girl. 

so, all in all, it's been a pretty good deal. of course, the second i get a permanent job -- i am OUT! :) after all, i can't be at home forever, right? :)

the one that's kind of depressing

yesterday while reading the wapo, i came across this great article. about 3% of d.c. residents are known to have hiv/aids. that's a higher rate than west africa. and that's just known cases. that's horrifying. 

but, lucky for me, i'm not sharing beds with anyone other than my puppy. :)

the one about the anatomy of a breakup

there is this line in a pink song where she wonders: "how did we get so mean? how do we just move on?" i was listening to it this evening and i started wondering the same things. how do you go from thinking you could marry someone to refusing to take their phone calls? is it as simple as saying that they simply were not the "one"? or is it deeper than that? is it that they somehow betrayed your trust or let you down just too many times? and even so, why do thing sometimes get so ugly? 

i used to pride myself on the fact that i stayed friendly with people that i dated. i figured there was something about them that i like initially and even if things didn't work romantically, there was no reason we couldn't maintain a friendship.  however, i've recently begun to change my philosophy on that. after the loser and i broke up, i had NO desire to see him, talk to him, or even here how he was doing. to be painfully honest, i was just pleased to be done with him. and though it took a little longer, i now feel the same about the Banker. 

how did i get to that point? am i getting cynical and bitter as i get older? or, am i getting smarter by putting distance between myself and the men i've dated? who can say what the best method of dealing with a breakup is? 

the one about dating

i just read this excellent article speaking about steve harvey's dating tips for women. i actually really like steve harvey and think he's super funny. i enjoyed the article and i think that steve is right. one of the main things that stuck with me was about standards and expectations. men will rise to the standards you set if they really want you. and if they don't, you don't want em anyways.

i recognize that in the past i probably wasn't picky enough and i'm actively changing that. the Banker is an asshole? he's cut off. match guy doesn't walk to the metro and then texts me (and you all KNOW how i feel about text message dating) thursday to ask about plans for friday? no way. i told him i was busy all weekend. and for him, i am. 

not to sound like a jerk. i'm not. but, as i've said before, i don't think it's too much to ask for a man to not ask me out via text message. and to not ask me out on a thursday for a friday evening. of course it isn't. and my future husband won't ;)

the one about my date!

so last night i went on my date with match guy.  we met here (well not at ben's actually, but at ben's next door, their new lounge which doesn't have its own website yet). so we were supposed to meet at 8. well, i actually specified 8ish, to give myself a few minutes breathing room b/c i've never metro'ed it to the u street station. i was told by some friends that it was probably the easiest thing.

so, dressed in skinny jeans, brown boots and a cute red sweater top, i headed off. to begin with, just as i was dashing up the steps at the new carrllton station, i missed the freaking train. ugh. so i had to wait 12 minutes to catch the next one. at that point, i was pretty sure i was going to be late. luckily match guy texted me and said he was running a little late. i was like, excellent. although i was really hoping to beat him so i could down a drink before he got there. yeah, that didn't happen. i was about 25 minutes late. which sucked, but i couldn't help it. when i missed that train i was fucked. however, i did manage to catch some howard university frat guys doing a little mini step show on my way out of the train station. that was pretty cool.

once i arrived at next door, i was  in love...with the venue. it was really cool, and nicely done. there is some interesting portraits on the back wall, a long bar, some tables set up and 4 nice size flat screen tvs facing the bar. match guy was waiting for me at the bar and he was drinking what looked to be an appletini....hmmm...

match guy looked like a skinnier version of his picture. he looked nice, but i thought he was hotter on the internet. oh well. he was excited to see me and very friendly. his voice was strange, though. kind of high pitched, it was little weird. once i got settled and had a drink, he started asking me some general questions. we got the preliminary stuff out of the way and then he wanted to know if he looked like his profile picture. i said, "well...in your picture you're wearing a hat and you look a little...different now because you're not wearing the hat, but i guess you look pretty similar". then he wanted to know what i remembered about his profile and i almost choked on my drink. i wanted to say "um, you used 4 in place of for..." but instead i just recited his tagline and hoped he didn't ask me any more questions, because to be honest i had forgotten. 

luckily, my q&a session was done. he was super flirty and kept touching my leg and things like that. all in all, he seemed like a nice guy. very open and fun. he's originally from baltimore, went to school in pittsburgh (but hadn't seemed to have heard of this place which is supposedly one of pittsburgh's most famous restaurants. i digress.) and works for homeland security. we had good  conversation and he was insistent on paying for my drinks. i'd probably hang out with him again, but there wasn't any spark on my end. he's cool though - we can definitely be friends.

oh, one final thing. i know that d.c. is not the south and certainly not the  deep south where i was formerly living. however, i would have liked it if he had walked me to my train station. sure, it was two blocks, but it was 10:30 p.m. and more importantly, i think it's the gentlemanly thing to do. aside from that, he seemed like a good guy.

the one about the "conscience" rule

recently, the obama administration has moved to undo a last-minute bush administration rule that provided safeguards for doctors, nurses, hospital administrators, etc who refused to take part in abortions, provide access to birth control options or provide other health care options that went against their conscience. you can read more about it here. i for one, am pleased. while i do understand that some doctors aren't comfortable with birth control, abortion, etc., i think that access to those services is so important that there can not be a rule that allows them to refuse to perform these services with no consequences.

i can't imagine if my lady doctor refused to issue me a prescription for birth control. what i really can't imagine is my niece deciding someday that she wants to take control of her sexual health and her not being able to get birth control or the cervical cancer vaccine. 

i applaud the obama administration for taking quick action on this issue. it's important and yet another example of why our president matters. i know a lot of people who say things like it doesn't matter who the president is, and it doesn't affect their everyday life. at least for me, this is a very real example of why who our president is matters. i'd be willing to bet that if john mccain had won in november, this last minute rule would remain.  

the one about rihanna/the ny post

so, i thought i was done bitching for the night. but actually i'm not. i read far too many blogs and websites during the average day. what can i say, that's just what happens when you're unemployed. i've seen a lot of things lately calling for a boycott of the new york post due to that terrible cartoon that they published last week. people are really up in arms about it. 

but yet...

a young woman of color is brutally beaten by her superstar boyfriend and no one gives a shit. yes, i know - the case hasn't gone to court yet, etc etc. but let's be real. everyone knows he beat her ass just like everyone knows oj did it (yep, i said it. hate if you must). and no one seems to care. no one is calling for a boycott of chris brown and his music or his music label. no one seems concerned. 

but yet...

domestic violence disproportionally affects african-american women. the stats are a little fuzzy, but domestic violence is one of the leading causes of death for african-american women aged 18-45. this is a serious issue. and all anyone can say is (and i won't get into this more because i've already commented on this aspect of the situation ad nasuem) "what'd she do? what'd she do?"

but yet...

let it have been a white man who beat up a black women. or even worse, a white man beating up a black man (as we saw with rodney king, amadou diallo, sean bell, etc)...when that happens, we have press conferences, we have jesse jackson, we have nonstop news coverage. and i'm not saying we shouldn't. we should. we should be outraged when our young men are brutalized and our communities are shattered. 

but yet...

shouldn't we be just as enraged when our young women are brutalized? where's the outrage? where's jesse jackson? where's the nonstop news coverage??