the one where i am so conflicted

this past weekend, i was in atlanta attending the agnes reunion. it was wonderful. i still am exhausted. between all the drinking, dancing (saturday night we went to opera - and it was awesome! the dj loved michael jackson and really a club can't get better than that in my mind),  food poisoning (oh yeah. it was gross) and admiring the campus, it was a really busy weekend. 

but that's not what's on my mind right now. i saw the ex this weekend, albeit briefly. it was just strange. i haven't had enough time to process my thoughts on the whole thing but i have definitely been thinking about it nonstop. i just don't think he is ready to marry this woman in august and that makes me sad. i also feel conflicted because i would be happy if he didn't marry this woman. of course i would never say any of this to him. i think i am just confused because when i was with him, i still felt things. and then he said things to me which were kind of not the kinds of things a happily engaged man should say to any woman, particularly his ex. so, i apparently still have these feelings and it's pointless and ridiculous and sad because he's freaking engaged! i also kind of think that my feelings are magnified because i'm not currently dating anyone. of course, i will always care about him. and probably always have feelings. it just makes me feel a little bummed that he's probably going to marry someone and he's not ready. 

i guess too, as his wedding date gets closer, it's becoming real to me. when he first got engaged (about a year ago) it was very abstract. but now, it's really happening. and, i'll be honest, it's kind of shitty when the man you had your best relationship with to date is about to getting married and you...aren't. and you know, i don't regret breaking up w/him all those years ago bc i was 21 and wasn't ready. but in moments like these, i just wonder. i think i always thought that the ex would be around when/if i was ready. i guess i took that for granted. but the other hard part is that i know (he has told me) that he still feelings as well. the worse part is i don't even know what i want. all i know is i don't want him to get married. 

i think that's all i have to say about this right now.