the one about "unconditional"

when i was 12 or 13, i met this guy. we'll call him TS. TS and i became fast friends and eventually it grew to something more. i don't exactly know how to describe it. we were best friends and romantic interest was there, but not there. does that make any sense? by the time i was 15, i was certain that i was in love, although we were never in a relationship and always dated other people. he was my best friend but so much more. and he was awful for me. anyone who knew me way back then (MJ, LH, etc) can tell you that. he was a "bad boy" and to put it lightly, was definitely bad for me. the thing is, during that time, i thought that i was doing the right thing by keeping him in my life. 

you see, i believed in "unconditional" love. i thought that loving him unconditionally meant that i was bound and beholden to love him no matter what. and by loving him no matter what, that meant that i couldn't walk out on him. i couldn't cut him out of my life. because if loving someone through horrific shit isn't unconditional love, then what is? 

like i said, we met when i was 12. i went to college, and fell in love with the Ex. i was completely honest with the Ex and he actually helped me through some of the worst stuff with TS.unfortunately, but not surprisingly, during this time, the Ex developed an extreme hatred for TS. shocker. but i persisted in keeping in touch with TS. not even just keeping in touch. i insisted that i should stay friends with TS because i was supposed to love him "unconditionally". yeah, the Ex didn't buy that bullshit either. TS was a MAJOR strain on our relationship. it all came to end one thanksgiving when, while driving 10 hours to my parent's house, the Ex gave me an ultimatum (well, he screamed an ultimatum - he was a wee bit pissed). he told me i either cut TS completely out of my life or he was done. of course, i did what anyone does when their back is up against the wall. i told him i'd cut TS out...but i didn't. of course, i couldn't. i was a believer in "unconditional" love. in the end, the Ex and i broke up (obviously) and i still maintained a distant friendship with TS. 

finally, well over a decade later, i realized that "unconditional" love might just be bullshit. or, at the very least, it was in the case of TS and i. i sickened of his shit, realized that he was the same exact person he was when i was 12, and (thank goodness) i had grown and changed in so many ways. i cut him out, even though i still care about him. i know i will never stop, but i also know what's best for me - and he ain't it.

so, what now, do i think about "unconditional" love? i think that i will love the man meant for me unconditionally, but i also don't know that i think love is enough. i know myself well enough to know that i fall easy, i get excited about people and things easily and its often tough for me to get the proper amount of perspective. i think that one of the good things about the Banker was i really felt like i was my best self with him. i truly felt like i learned from the loser i had previously dated and from the Ex and took those lessons and applied it to my relationship with the Banker. which gives me hope :)


Anonymous said...

great post.

Alana said...

I totally understand!!! I'm also a tad bit tipsy, but no, that doesn't mean "shit, fuck, there's a hole in my dress" because let's be honest I was not just tipsy, but rather drunk that night, and I'm not even wearing a dress tonight even though I wanted to. Anyway, I think being "your best self" with someone is SO hopeful!!! I didn't know I had that in me until, well, you know, but knowing that I do is so promising for the future. Which means it's so exciting for you too!!! Now it's just about finding the person who actually deserves that and is willing to reciprocate. Which you will, or rather, better, because we both know that neither of us can be happy until the other is...Love you sweetie!!!! Also, I met a cute boy tonight but I don't know if I'll hear from him, we'll see : )