the one after the dinner

so the Banker and i had dinner tonight. and now after its all said and done, all i really feel is sad. we met, had a nice dinner and for 3/4s of the evening we avoided any heavy discussion. then he decided to tell me how he felt "hurt" that i had cut him out of my life. so, i had to tell him. i told him how i was so upset by his treatment of me following the time we stopped dating, and how he did things i would never, ever do. i also told him that if i wasn't moving, we wouldn't be sitting there having dinner. i didn't go into detail, but i did mention a few things i thought were particularly shitty and told him that because i his behavior, i purposefully cut him out of my life. of course, he apologized but i stopped him in the middle of it and told him that it doesn't matter what is said now and besides, hearing him apologize just makes me so angry. 

so i said my peace. and we moved on with dinner. overall it was nice. 

but, i do feel sad. it was just so easy ignoring him and not dealing with him. but seeing him and talking to him and laughing with him. it just hurts my heart, i swear. i just still wish that things could've been different, that he could've been different. i know and accept the reality of the situation,  but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

sigh.