the one where i thought i was okay

i am tired of the Banker. i am tired of thinking about him, i am tired of writing about him and i am tired of talking about him. and i thought i was okay with everything that had happened and okay with where things are. which, by the way, is really nowhere. i thought i was fine.

then stupid facebook knocked me off my ass. i was signing on because i wanted to tell a friend thanks for something. and that stupid fucking newsfeed: [the Banker] has posted 4 photos. what?! the Banker doesn't even really like to take pictures nonetheless POST them online. but it was right there in front of my face. four pictures posted by the Banker. two pictures of him by himself, one picture of the girl he's seeing in NYC and one picture of the two of them together. and i wish i was lying when i said that my heart stopped a little bit and i had to put down the phone when i saw those pictures. for someone who has absolutely no pictures on FB its a pretty big freaking deal that he just put up 4 pictures. 

yes, i know that the end of the Banker and i was initiated by me and he just agreed to it. yes, i know that being with him was/is not what i need and/or want. but that does not mean that i want to see pictures of him w/his new girl splashed all over FB.

i really wish that seeing those pictures didn't fuck with my head. i really do. but i'd be lying if i said that. you never want someone to move on with someone new before you do. and it's not just that. there's all the other little things, the doubts and the worries (was he seeing here while we were dating? was he so agreeable to us stopping dating because of her? why in gods name would he even post those fucking pictures?) too. ugh. i know, i know. i blogged a couple of days ago about when carrie was obsessing over her breakup with big and her friends couldn't take it. i realize right this very second i am doing the same thing and y'all probably can't take it either. so that's why it goes here first. so it's nice and diluted and hopefully a little easier to take when it gets to y'all.

stupid stupid fucking FB. stupid stupid fucking Banker. stupid stupid head that is still connected to stupid stupid heart that still finds a way to have feelings for the Banker. 

i really really thought that i was ambivalent about the Banker. out of sight, out of mind right? and i guess it was pretty easy for me to put him to the back of my mind and not think about him since we haven't talked in awhile and i haven't seen him in over a month. but then there he is all over my FB homepage screaming in my fucking ear.



Laura said...

i have been crying. crying all night about a boy who hasn't loved me in something like a year. yeah, it sucks. i probably shouldn't be sharing all this, but this is another of your posts that makes me go, "me too!" so there it is. you put it far more eloquently.

Alana said...

It's so tough sweetie and I am so sorry : ( I had a horrible FB moment myself yesterday---it can be an evil instrument! I love you and am thinking of you. I'm calling you tonight!

Catherine Courtenay said...

...and that's why the courtney/courtenay sandwich will be another shade of ridiKulous this weekend. i can't wait to see you! girls' weekend!